Not having WIFI and being alone with my thoughts

I have been pondering over posting this blog for weeks as after writing it I wanted to sit on it for a while and let it sink in, 1, because I thought I may have been slightly over dramatic and 2, because I didn’t want to sound like a bloody snowflake millennial. But, after being back in the world of connectivity, I honestly stick by what I have written, hence why you are reading this now.

So, let’s rewind a few weeks to when I was working and living on a farm, ready to tear my hair out as I couldn’t sit still not being connected to the internet…Let’s begin. Waking up at 5.30am every morning to the sounds of roosters, chicken and dogs barking has become something of the norm our whole trip so far. Usually, I would turn over check my phone and see how the world is doing but here it’s different as I can’t. So many people will agree that this is great, what a way to switch off and relax, but for me it’s the opposite. I am used to being busy every day, I enjoy being on my phone and speaking to my friends and family and posting on my blog - these are the things I like to do.
​
It’s weird that we now live in a world that most millennial's have grown up reliant on WIFI and I have to admit, I am one of them. I love being away from people, I really do, in fact I pride myself in being a hermit, hence why my job in NZ was great as I worked from home on my own. But what I really miss is being able to research, plan more of our trip and truthfully, overall have a grasp on things. Being in control is where I manage to quieten the anxiety and the over ruling negative voice in my head. When I have control of the situation then I feel safe and for some weird reason throughout the years that means being reliant on being able to check the internet for the answer or solution whether it be for maps, recipes, work. As hard hitting as it is to admit this, without this communication I feel lost. The past week I have caught myself various times being shirt of breath, irritable and in a state of panic all the time. I don’t think this is just due to lack of WIFI but it’s the feeling of isolation in a new place where I don’t really speak the language and feeling lost. I guess to me having WIFI and being able to hop online brings me back to my comfort zone as it’s where I am used to doing things. 

Smokers will be able to resonate here as I used to be one and this is what I used to do. When you are waiting for a friend outside a café or restaurant your immediate action would be to grab a ciggy, spark it up and smoke as then you would feel comfortable, not awkward, I mean, you are just having a ciggy and it’s your comfort zone. When you stop smoking and you stand outside waiting for someone I find I feel awkward and alone and panicked – I surely never had that feeling when I smoked but since quitting (which is bloody brilliant, and I suggest everyone do it) I do feel nervous waiting on my own…kind of like a spare prick. I hope this ramble makes sense.

I’m currently sat outside in this beautiful veranda overlooking a great farm while the rain splashes off the colorful bushes around me, and I can’t relax. The more I think about it the more I get uptight and anxious. I know its only week one, and I am hoping that maybe I will start to mellow out a bit but being with my thoughts is proving very difficult. I’m sat across from Leo who is more than happy being content with his thoughts and for me I am still feeling like a coiled spring, so on edge and worried about everything – WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? Anyway, I guess what my point is, is that as much as I 100% incredibly grateful to be here and to experience this year of traveling and exploration, I am only human, and some things are difficult.
​
I thought this was fitting considering what is today’s topic of discussion based on my location:
‘’Evolution – It is not the strongest of species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change’’ – Charles Darwin (1809 – 1882)